


Glitch

by ClueingforBEGGs



Series: Red Dwarf Crack [1]
Category: Red Dwarf (UK TV)
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-16 16:24:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19321807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClueingforBEGGs/pseuds/ClueingforBEGGs
Summary: Rimmer's glitching, and Lister has to fix him.





	Glitch

**Author's Note:**

> This is a crackfic inspired by Danii's autocorrect turning 'hardlight' to 'headlight', as well as RedDwarfIsALesbian's drawing of Rimmer wearing a ridiculous outfit.

'Well.' said Lister. 'Now Kryten and Cat have gone to explore that desert moon, I guess we have some time to ourse-' Lister broke off as he turned around. Where Rimmer had been laying on his bed reading  _Astronavigation for Dummies_ there was now what appeared to be a blue car headlight, minus the car. 

'Rimmer?'

The headlight blinked. 

'Rimmer!' Lister ran over to the bed, picking up the headlight, which he could now see had a capital H stuck to it's top. 'Are you glitching?' 

The headlight started flashing in his hands. Flaaaash flash flaaaash flaaaash. Flash. Flash flash flash. Lister didn't know morse code, yet assumed that this must be what it was, because he did know 'SOS' and was certain that 'S' was three flashes. 

'I can't contact-' Lister broke off as the headlight continued flashing '--..-- / -.-- --- ..- / .. -.. .. --- - -.-.--'. He stared at it in confusion. 'Was that important? Because all I know is "S" and "O".'

The headlight-Rimmer flashed a response which began with 'S' and contained three more letters. Lister didn't need to know what M, E and G were to know that Rimmer was swearing at him. 

'Look, I can't contact Cat and Kryten, for some reason, so I'll have to fix you myself.' Lister placed the headlight-Rimmer on the bed. 'So you'll need to switch to softlight mode so I can grab your lightbee.'

The headlight complied, turning red. Lister reached inside it- him, as the headlight was Rimmer, and switched him off. He then downloaded Rimmer's hard drive onto the computer system in the holographic simulation room, enabling him to access Rimmer's appearance files and remove the bit of code which made him look like a headlight. 

* * *

Lister downloaded Rimmer's hard drive back on to Rimmer's hard drive, this time with a fixed version of the glitching appearance files. Or so he thought. 

As Rimmer's image formed he noticed that the lightbee wasn't hovering as far off the ground as it should for a man of Rimmer's height. In fact, it was hardly off the ground. When the image formed instead of a man standing in front of him, there was a penguin, however, this penguin had a blue H on its forehead and, where most penguins were black and white, this penguin was blue and white. 

'Rimmer?'

The penguin made a penguin-y sound. 

'Rimmer, you've turned into a penguin.' Lister stated as Rimmer had turned into a penguin. 

The Rimmer penguin made an annoyed penguin-y sound. 

'Stop it.' Lister said. 'Now, I'm going to need your lightbee again.'

The Rimmer penguin turned from hardlight to softlight, and Lister realised that red and white was a good look on a penguin, before he switched Rimmer off. He then redownloaded Rimmer's hard drive onto the computer system, enabling him to access the appearance files again, removing more bits of code. This time ones making him look like a penguin.

* * *

 

Lister downloaded Rimmer's hard drive back on to Rimmer's hard drive, this time with an even more fixed version of the glitching appearance files. It wasn't good enough.

At first Rimmer's image appeared to form correctly. He looked like Rimmer, he was as tall as Rimmer, and when he started swearing at Lister he sounded like Rimmer. 

Only the clothes he was wearing weren't Rimmer's clothes. 

Instead of a blue holographic uniform, Rimmer was wearing a bright pink t-shirt which read 'I ♡ marmite' underneath a bright green jacket. He also had a large satchel over one shoulder. This was the least of his worries because he was also wearing pyjama bottoms with a biscuit print. That also wasn't the most of his worries, because he was also wearing a blue croc on his right foot, but, worst of all, he was wearing one of those shoes with individual toes on the other foot. 

'Lister what the smeg!'

'I know!'

'I look like a smegging idiot!'

'I know!'

'What the smeg have you done to me!'

'Well, at least you're human, not a penguin!'

'Fix me!'

'I will! Switch to softlight!'

And with that Rimmer's blue croc turned red, and Lister switched Rimmer off. He then re-redownloaded Rimmer's hard drive onto the computer system, enabling him to access the appearance files again again, removing even more bits of code. This time relating to his clothes.

* * *

 

'Ah, hello sirs, me and Cat had a fantastic time on that moon.' said Kyten. 'Did anything happen when we were gone?'

Rimmer and Lister simultaneously pointed to Rimmer's feet, where, although he wore the rest of his holographic uniform as per usual, he was still wearing a croc on his right foot. 

Cat stared at him. 'Oh, man, you look even more unfashionable than you did before!'


End file.
